The Most Successful Apologies Have These 8 Elements

Randy Conley, Vice President of Professional Services and Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies, is pretty good at apologising and he thinks it’s primarily because of two reasons:

1. Married for over 28 years.
2. Messes up a lot.

That means Conley gets a lot of practice apologising. Conley has logged way more than 10,000 hours perfecting his craft, so by Malcolm Gladwell’s measurement, he is pretty much the world’s foremost expert on apologies. The fact his wife is a loving and forgiving woman doesn’t hurt, either.

More than 28 years experience has shown Conley there are eight essential elements of an effective apology:

1. Accept responsibility for your actions – If you screwed up, admit it. Don’t try to shirk your responsibility or shift the blame to someone else. Put your pride aside and own your behaviour. This first step is crucial to restoring trust with the person you offended.

2. Pick the right time to apologise – It’s a cliché, but true – timing is everything. You can follow the other seven guidelines to a tee, but if you pick a bad time to deliver your apology, all of your hard work will be for naught. Depending on the severity of the issue, you may need to delay your apology to allow the offended person time to process his/her emotions. Once he/she is mentally and emotionally ready to hear your apology, make sure you have the necessary privacy for the conversation and the physical environment is conducive to the occasion.

3. Say ‘”I’m sorry,” not “I apologise” – What’s the difference? The word sorry expresses remorse and sorrow for the harm caused the offended person, whereas apologise connotes regret for your actions. There’s a big difference between the two. See #4 for the reason why this is important.

4. Be sincere and express empathy for how you hurt the other person – Along with saying I’m sorry, this step is critical for letting the offended person know you acknowledge, understand, and regret the hurt you caused. Make it short and simple: “I’m sorry I was late for our dinner date. I know you were looking forward to the evening, and being late disappointed you and made you feel unimportant. I feel horrible about hurting you that way.”

5. Don’t use conditional language – Get rid of the words if and but in your apologies. Saying “I’m sorry if…” is a half-ass, conditional apology that’s dependent on whether or not the person was offended. Don’t put it on the other person. Just man up and say “I’m sorry.” When you add the word but at the end of your apology (“I’m sorry, but…”) you’re starting down the road of excuses for your behaviour. Don’t go there. See #6.

6. Don’t offer excuses or explanations – Keep your apology focused on what you did, how it made the other person feel, and what you’re going to do differently in the future. Don’t try to make an excuse for your behaviour or rationalise why it happened. If there is a valid reason that explains your behaviour, it will likely come out during the apology discussion. But let the other person go there first, not you.

7. Listen – This is perhaps the most important point of the eight and one that’s often overlooked. After you’ve made your apology, close your mouth and listen. Let the offended person share his/her feelings, vent, cry, yell, laugh, scream…whatever.  Acknowledge the person’s feelings (“I understand you’re upset”…”I see I disappointed you”…”I know it was hurtful”), but resist the urge to keep explaining yourself or apologising over and over again. I’m not suggesting you become an emotional punching bag for someone who is inappropriately berating you; that’s not healthy for either party. But many times the awkwardness and discomfort of apologising causes us to keep talking when we’d be better off listening.

8. Commit to not repeating the behaviour – Ultimately, an apology is only as effective as your attempt to not repeat the behaviour. No one is perfect and mistakes will be made, but a sincere and earnest apology includes a commitment to not repeating the behaviour that caused harm in the first place. Depending on the severity of the offense, this may include implementing a plan or process such as counseling or accountability groups. For minor offenses it’s as simple as an intentional effort to not repeat the hurtful behaviour.

So there you go. The Great 8 of giving effective apologies, honed by Conley from years of grovelling…err…apologising for his mistakes. What do you think? Are there other tips you would add? Feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts.